No more crawling through the desert: the practice of self-compassion
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
(from Wild Geese by Mary Oliver)
I have spent many years crawling through the desert repenting, not feeling good enough, not doing enough. I have spent years trying to find ways to improve myself.
And it’s time to say no more.
In my last post, The End of Self-Improvement, I wrote about stepping away from self-improvement and moving towards deeper self-understanding. But what then? What do you do when you begin to understand yourself more clearly, but don’t always like what you see?
Because that’s what happens.
When you begin to develop self-understanding and engage in deeper internal listening, you come face-to-face with things you’ve spent years trying to avoid, shame, anger, self-loathing, disappointment, fears. Before long, you’re back trying to surf the familiar waves of self-improvement, trying again to fix what feels uncomfortable.
But before you jump back into the churning waters of self-improvement, there is a pause you can make, a place to rest instead of returning to your conditioned responses.
You can rest on the life boat of self-compassion.
Self-compassion is the act of extending kindness and understanding towards yourself when you’re suffering. Instead of judging and criticizing yourself during times of difficulty, you offer yourself, like you would a friend, kindness and loving support.
Yet, self-compassion is not intuitive. Many of us have been taught that being hard on ourselves is what keeps us motivated. We have the belief that the more critical we are of ourselves, the harder we will work and the more we will get done, which in turn wards off dangers in the future that might cause us harm. Self-critique also gives us the illusion of control. The mirage that if we just try harder, fix more, improve enough, we can finally arrive somewhere safe.
But in reality, it keeps us stuck in the desert.
In her book, Fierce Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff describes two aspects of self-compassion, the yin and yang of tender and fierce self-compassion.
Tender self-compassion is being with ourselves in a loving and accepting way. It allows us to be present and gentle with our pain, without turning away.
Fierce self-compassion is taking action in our lives that protects, provides, and motivates us.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean you don’t try to change unhealthy habits or situations. In fact it’s the opposite. It’s because of self-compassion that we begin to show up for ourselves differently.
That’s the paradox.
When we meet ourselves with compassion, we begin to accept who we are and where we are. It’s from this place we start to make changes in our lives, from the motivation of loving acceptance and genuine care for ourselves and the world, not from fear or force, but from care and clarity.
Even though self-compassion doesn’t always come naturally, it is a practice we can develop.
Here are 3 ways to begin:
1. Ask yourself: “What do I really need right now?”
This simple question helps shift your attention from fixing to caring. When you regularly check in with yourself in this way, you begin to orient toward your needs and your well-being in the present moment. Meeting your own needs is a gift to the world.
2. Learn to be with difficult emotions
Start by naming what you’re feeling and noticing where it lives in your body. See if you can stay with the emotion without labeling it as “bad” or pushing it away. The goal isn’t to get rid of the feeling, but to allow it.
3. Practice self-compassion breaks
Developed by Kristin Neff and the Self-Compassion Institute, these brief pauses act as reset points. They help you return to yourself with kindness and steadiness, especially in difficult moments.
Self-compassion isn’t another task to complete or another rung on the ladder of self-improvement. It’s a different way of being in the world, rooted in unconditional acceptance and care, which can open your heart to grow into more honest, steady, and empowered clarity.
So what are you tired of crawling through the desert repenting for? What do you no longer want to do? What if you could meet that place, not with effort, but with gentle self-compassion?
Soul Geography 